Welcome to dad-hood.
If you’re reading this before your little one arrives, my first statement may not resonate as much. I was told it a few times and thought everyone was full of shit - but they’re not, it’s true: Don’t worry, it gets better.
The first 2 days are hard - not much sleep, lots of anxiety, lack of knowledge, the list is long. It’s wild. But you’ll be fine.
I’ll never forget leaving the hospital, getting in my car, and putting my dude in the car seat. It was just the three of us - no doctors, nurses, buttons to press when you need help, nothing. We’re on our own, baby!
The first week is arguably harder than the first couple of days… babies are actually pretty chill right away since their bodies are still catching up (at least ours was). But they eventually become more aware and really start to find their vocal cords. The crying really starts to ramp up. Fuck, it was tolling on my emotions at first…
But trust me, it gets better.
I had nights - even days - where I was losing it mentally. I wanted to give up. “Can I return this thing? Wtf he won’t stop crying and I need to sleep.” I had some crazy thoughts going through my head. But, they fall asleep, eat, smile, open their eyes, make a new noise, fart, etc. and those weird thoughts return back to the dark places where they belong in your head.
Most of the things you need to do will come naturally. We were designed to create and nurture babies so a lot will be instinctive. That said, there are some things you can do to prepare - mentally and physically. Here’s my list of things. I hope you find it useful.
Holding a baby.
Yep, this is one of those things I am constantly surprised with, especially with friends who ask to hold my little dude.
Babies cannot hold their heads up until they are like 3 months old. They don’t have the muscles and don’t even know they have a head.
Always support the neck and head - backward and forward. When receiving the baby, your first hand should go to the back of the neck… and the other hand to the bottom half of the body. Babies’ heads are heavy and their necks are weak. If you don’t support their neck it will fall backwards or forwards and can cause damage (unlikely, but possible).
Further, they really don’t like their heads being held so put your palm somewhere around their neck and the bottom of their head. Eventually, you can just put a hand on their upper back and a couple of fingers to guard their neck if it falls.
Babies cry. A lot.
It’s hard to hear at first and you’ll probably think there’s something very wrong with your baby but trust, they are fine. They are literally programmed to cry when they are hungry, tired, or uncomfortable.
There was a moment when I was about to cry myself after I tried everything to stop the crying. It’s normal. You’re exhausted and the baby sometimes just cries and it cannot be stopped. Just remember, it will pass.
Here’s why babies typically cry:
Hunger
Wet diaper
Gas
Tired
Overly stimulated
When the baby starts crying, it’s go-time. How do you crack the code? They can’t speak so what does the crying mean? Go through the list. If you think you just changed their diaper, change it again. If you think they aren’t hungry, give them a paci and if they suck really hard they’re probably still hungry. It will be one of the 5 above, I promise.
Learn The Five S’s
Babies just spent the past 9 months inside momma which is a loud, dark, tight, and moving space. They only know that feeling so you need to recreate that when they get fussy.
When your baby starts to cry, try one or all of these:
Shushing: that’s right, give them a rhythmic shushhhh… or open YouTube.
Swinging: side-to-side, up-and-down, you get the point (support their neck/head)
Swaddle: wrap them up tightly.
Side Sleep: put them on their side in your arms.
Suck: give them a paci (or a boob)
Learn about Active Sleeping.
Babies can move around making noise, even with their eyes open, but often they are sleeping. A lot of parents don’t know this and end up waking up their babies and it can make them even more fussy as it deprives them of sleep. When they start to move, wait. If you hear them starting to cry, wait a little too. If they make a couple of cries and are clearly awake, go back to the 5 S’s and try and again.
Be patient.
I know, easier said than done. But if you give each decision a little pause, you may find a solution quicker. Patience is the one thing that you’ll lose the fastest but over time will learn to be great with.
Burping is your best friend.
The early days are tough for babies. Their insides are still developing and they eat really fast. If you’ve ever eaten too fast, you probably know what it feels like. Bubbles hurt and will make them feel really uncomfortable. Burping during their feedings is your secret weapon.
I learned the roto-burb and it worked well. Put him on his butt over your thigh, support his head, and rotate him in circles. Then lean them forward - hand on chest supporting their neck - and give him a cupped hand pat on the back a few times.
If your baby is anything like ours and spits up more than normal, they have reflux. It sucks and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Get gas drops (mylicon or other drug store brands) and gripe water. It calms their stomach and tastes good so it can take their mind off the pain and ease their tummy for a second and reset them. I could go on and on about reflux since our boy had it pretty bad, so if you want more advice here, hit me up.
Get the magnet clothes, not the ones with buttons.
You’re going to change your baby’s clothes a lot. They will spit up on themselves more times than not, so you’re constantly changing their clothes. The magnetme onesies make it so much easier.
Baby acne and clogged eye ducts are normal.
Use breast milk, it’s a natural antibiotic. In fact, anything irritated on their skin can be remedied with breast milk. Use it.
Diaper changing.
Their skin is SO sensitive and it will rash immediately if you aren’t careful (especially during the first couple of weeks). Pat their butt with a warm wet wipe (get this thing on Amazon). Then dry it. Then apply this stuff (Desitin or whatever butt paste your baby prefers). Then put a new diaper on. The bumco butt spatula will save your fingers too.
Woah, be careful bro.
Before you think to change his diaper, open the front, expose his wiener… and wait like 30 seconds before you take the diaper off or wipe their tummies with a wet wipe. He’ll probably pee and if you aren’t prepared it will go everywhere, including your face.
Breastfeeding.
If your wife is breastfeeding, she’s a fucking hero. It’s so demanding and their bodies are doing way more than you can see. They feed every two hours during the day and wake up every 2-4 at night. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and exhausting. I honestly can’t imagine doing this every fucking day.
Your primary responsibility is to make her life better.
Make it comfortable for her. Put a pillow under her arm. Get her some water. Fill it with electrolytes. Put her favorite snack next to the rocking chair. Ask her how she’s doing. Take over burps between boobs and give her a break - let her pee and eat something. They do this all day and anything goes a long way.
Bottle feeding.
Get a water dispenser with a hot water feature. It’s way easier to warm bottles vs the thing you probably bought on Amazon.
Babies love warm milk, not cold milk (usually). But they certainly don’t like boiling milk so drop a little on your wrist before and make sure it’s not too hot.
Feed them upright and take breaks. Remember to burp. They will spit up, so have a burp cloth on your lap otherwise you’ll do laundry more than you want.
Exercise is really good for babies.
Early on and will help their bowel movements and make them tired. Do “tummy time” and leg exercises at night and in the morning. Lay them on their back and give yourself a break while they kick around. After a few minutes, put them on their tummy and watch them hold their head up.
Here was our routine:
(On back)
10 seconds of bicycle kicks
10 second thigh waves
10 seconds long leg stretch
(roll them to side)
Show them some black-and-white pics
(roll them on their tummy)
Put their arm in front under their chest so they can support their head
Start small, 5-10 seconds
Then build. They should be able to rest on their belly for 30 seconds after a couple weeks and they start to enjoy it
Music soothes their (our) soul.
Find calming music and play it before they’re born. We played a lot of Hermanos Gutierrez while he was hanging in the womb and it became our go-to when our dude had a meltdown (especially in the car). Those two Latin legends turned cries into snores and saved us a lot of stress. Find your tune. Another surprising soother is Imogen Heap’s “The Happy Song”. It’s completely unhinged but all babies end up loving it and will usually stop crying once they hear the first few seconds. We will sing the song to him now and it still calms him down.
Your stress, health, and well-being are important.
It’s so easy to focus only on the baby and forget to take care of yourself. I promise you - taking a few minutes to take a shower, do some exercise, meditate, or whatever.. it will make the hard times with the baby easier. Don’t forget about you.
The nursery.
This is something you probably worked on well before birth, however, we made some updates shortly after our baby landed.
Babies are ultra-sensitive to light, noise, and temperature. They are creatures of habit but are not programmed yet, so getting their schedules corrected is your mission during the first 3 months (they come out with opposite schedules - sleep during the day, party at night). Make sure you have blackout curtains. It needs to be dark in there for them to go down for naps & stay asleep throughout the night.
Get a the babyshusher machine & hatch. They love both.
Again, they LOVE noise and the $20 sound machine really comforts them. We put one in our room and it really works for us too.
Get a red light.
When you have to change his diaper and do a feed, you cannot just turn the lights on. That will wake them up and throw them into a spiral. Yes, you want to wake them enough to feed but we’re walking a tight line.
Get. A. Rocking. Chair.
The best way to soothe a baby is with movement. They spent the first 9 months of their life bouncing around in the womb and absolutely love swaying, bouncing, and rocking around. You’ll learn quick, our backs have not been conditioned enough for the movement and a rocking chair makes it a heck of a lot easier.
Learn the Heimlich.
Babies can choke - on their saliva, curdled milk, or random objects. This is pretty common and a correct maneuver could be the difference.
Learn about wake windows.
Babies thrive on schedules but you have to listen to your baby. At first, their wake window will be 45 mins to an hour, and will slowly get longer as they get older. Look for their sleepy cues - red eyebrows, dazed eyes, looking away. If they’re starting to yawn or fuss, you’re pushing it too far and they need to go down immediately. If you miss the window, it’ll be way harder to get them down because they’re overtired/stimulated. We stuck with the wake windows instead of trying to follow the mom’s on-call schedule and it suited our baby, but every baby is different.
Find your bedtime routine.
It’s never too early to start a routine. It took us a minute to get our’s dialed in, and it makes a huge difference as they get older. At first, you will go through the witching hour which can last up to 3 hours (or more) so whoever called it “hour” was lying. It’s normal for all babies. They all have to scream and cry to release their pent-up energy from the day or they’re overly stimulated and it just has to run its course. Tag team with your wife because it’s not sustainable for one person to handle all the fuss. Rock, shush, find their rhythm that helps calm them down. They have to be regulated until they’re able to soothe themselves (around the 4-month mark), so buckle up and remember this too shall pass.
The bedtime routine starts to help them realize they’ve done this before and while they’ll still fuss, it does start to make things easier and more predictable for them. We eventually settled on starting our bedtime routine with bathtime. We then lotion, massage, diaper, and put jammies on or do skin-to-skin time to calm him down. We read Goodnight Moon or another nighttime book then mom gives him a little bedtime snack. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep during the feed which makes the transfer pretty easy (remember to burp still). If he doesn’t go down during the feed, we rock/shush/sing to him until he falls asleep. Drop him in the crib and prepare for a few false starts. Their sleep cycles are usually 30-50 minutes so they will wake up if they’re not able to connect the cycle and will need some soothing to go back to bed. Eventually, they go down until their next feed.
Things you should get:
Medicine Ball
Docatock
Shush machine
Portable lights
Lovevery playmat
Soothie Pacifier
Dr. Brown’s anti-colic bottles
Bottle sanitizer & dryer
Halo swaddle sleep sack (fleece worked better than the cotton version for us)
Solly wrap, ergo carrier, or any other brand there are a bunch
Merlin Sleep Suit (for when they’re transferring out swaddle around 4 months)
My last advice.
Kiss your wife. Tell her she’s beautiful. Go out of your way to do something that makes her happy. Figure out anything that needs to be done to make her life easier.
Wash the dishes. Clean the laundry. Go to the market and get more supplies. Change the baby’s diapers. Offer to do a bottle feed at night so she can sleep. You get the point.
Moms get re-programmed during post-parduam and their instinct often wants to do everything. It’s fucking amazing but it’s not sustainable and it’s our job to relieve them of their duties (nice).
Try to have fun. You’ll have so many moments to chill out and it’s honestly so fun.
Don’t stress about sleep, you’ll do that in a couple of months.
Do some retail therapy and buy yourself some stuff online, you’re probably saving a little coin not eating out and whatnot.
Enjoy it because it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you and will bring you and your wife closer.
Congrats bro.
